I have to get something off my chest. It happened at work yesterday. First allow me to give some background…
My pest control job sets up routes for me that have 3 houses per hour (one too many, but I digress). Each block of 3 has a time block that it co-responds to. For example, I’ll have 3 houses that are in the 9-11 time block, 3 houses in the 10-12 block, 3 houses in the 11-2 block and so on. Well, sometimes I get a jump on the first house of the day or a cancelation of some kind (dogs left in the yard, locked gate) so this free’s up my time and allows me to do the rest of my work load ahead of schedule.
Great!
Except that my company doesn’t allow that. Nope, you have to sit and wait till the time block comes open and then go. Now keep in mind that 98% of my services in a day are strictly exterior power sprays. We treat the inside about twice a year and then maintain the barrier on the outside. It works pretty good. So you don’t even have to be home for the service. And I happen to know that my customers don’t care when I do their exterior services. And yet…
My company still (?) insists that we not go ahead of schedule. It’s rediculous…every company in town that I know of allows it, but I digress again.
A couple months back I was wrestling over which was more important: obeying company policy and getting home really late or getting ahead of schedule and getting done early and going home to wife and kids. I decided it was more important to be home and that my value and presence here was of greater pertinence. So I’ve done it that way for, oh, about….well, since March. So that’s almost 3 months. My company hasn’t said anything about it and actually love me as an employee, so it’s been fine.
BUT…
…yesterday while I’m getting ahead of schedule I am suddenly dealt with by God that He wanted me for the rest of the day to obey company policy. I argued back that this couldn’t be God, but it got more persistent. He then began speaking something to the effect of, “Saul did what was expedient by not waiting for Samuel and offering the sacrifice himself. He did what was expedient by not destroying Agag. Esau did what was expedient for the moment, got himself some stew and it cost him his birthright. These men forsook Me for their own temporary wants or their own view of what was wise in each of these situations. And besides, you’re not going to be at this company for long (it was my last day). Can’t you just do this once? Isn’t following me a greater reward in itself and the unbrokenness of our relationship than doing what you think is better, or what you would just simply rather do?”
So I’m stunned. I’m irked. I don’t want to wait for my time blocks, I want to go home early. And by early I mean between 5-6 o’clock rather than 7-7:30. I tried to shake the conviction and it wouldn’t leave. I knew God was speaking to me and was dealing with me. You don’t understand….this was soooo stinkin’ inconvenient. He didn’t give me a reason why He wanted me to do it, just a knowledge that it was His desire.
Now I’m sitting in my truck totally deflated and feeling irritated at the thought of having to do this and go home late for it. So guess what I did?
I pushed it all aside and kept doing my route early.
Yep.
Even as I’m rebelling I’m thinking to myself, “dude, what the heck are you doing? This is GOD talking, you know it and you’re treating His speaking like He’s just some buddy of yours who’s advice you don’t want to follow. How can you do this? Why isn’t obeying Him (real love according to Jesus in John 14) what you want to do? What’s wrong with me that I’ve slunk into such a state in my walk with God that I can do this? Why isn’t His thought and will more precious to me than this? Somethings desperately wrong with me….I’ve chosen my want over His.”
And that thought and similar thoughts plagued me all day and still do even now, this morning sitting here at 6:30 a/m. I feel like I’m just sick inside. I need to get this off me and ask all you faithful’s to help me out and just pray for me. You see, I failed a test (like He was surprised?) and I know I’ll have to take it again and it will not be less requiring next time around, but may even be more. So my problem is something IN me that makes “tick” wrong. I gotta get to the bottom of my self and get this issue under control (a fruit of the Spirit).
Now, as if this wasn’t all bad enough, I read Oswald Chambers every morning and have done so for about 3 1/2 years. I’m sitting here this morning (knowing I was forgiven yesterday, but still stinging from the stupidity/stubbornness of myself) and then I read this:
“Be determined to know more than others. If you yourself do not cut the lines that tie you to the dock, God will have to use a storm to sever them and to send you out to sea. Put everything in your life afloat upon God, going out to sea on the great swelling tide of His purpose, and your eyes will be opened. If you believe in Jesus, you are not to spend all your time in the calm waters just inside the harbor, full of joy, but always tied to the dock. You have to get out past the harbor into the great depths of God, and begin to know things for yourself— begin to have spiritual discernment.
When you know that you should do something and you do it, immediately you know more. Examine where you have become sluggish, where you began losing interest spiritually, and you will find that it goes back to a point where you did not do something you knew you should do. You did not do it because there seemed to be no immediate call to do it. But now you have no insight or discernment, and at a time of crisis you are spiritually distracted instead of spiritually self-controlled. It is a dangerous thing to refuse to continue learning and knowing more.
The counterfeit of obedience is a state of mind in which you create your own opportunities to sacrifice yourself, and your zeal and enthusiasm are mistaken for discernment. It is easier to sacrifice yourself than to fulfill your spiritual destiny, which is stated in Romans 12:1-2. It is much better to fulfill the purpose of God in your life by discerning His will than it is to perform great acts of self-sacrifice. “Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice . . .” ( 1 Samuel 15:22 ). Beware of paying attention or going back to what you once were, when God wants you to be something that you have never been. “If anyone wills to do His will, he shall know . . .” ( John 7:17 ) (emphasis mine)
The usage of the verse from 1 Samuel really killed me since that is the man who God was warning me yesterday to not become. Esau and Saul didn’t start out the way they ended up, I suspect it was a slower and almost unnoticable process of gradual errosion. It was most likely the little disobediences, compromises and corner cuttings of such a small kind that most wouldn’t even think twice about them, much less would they have the vision and foresight to see these things as chipping away at the foundation of their lives.
Well I do see them that way and I STILL did it anyway, even with that knowledge, which is what is killing me right now. I just can’t understand what is wrong with me, how can I do that to God….I don’t get it. Why did I value my own comfort over cherishing the speaking and guidance and fellowship of the Holy Ghost?
So I feel sick and I have a good deal of self-loathing that I’m eating right now. It tastes like grissle. Not that soft, yummy kind like in a rib eye steak, but the hard kind that’s like biting into a piece of rubber.
The test is going to come back again and I just cannot go through this feeling of failure again. Pray that I’ll discover (or that God will “uncover”) what is going astray within me and kill it quick. I don’t want to fail like this again.
You might be thinking, “It’s not that big a deal Mark. Relax.” The issue of obedience and being Spirit led/controlled is always a big deal. The particular thing demanded of you in the particular moments of life are of no significance; obedience is the issue. So disobedience is always a problem because little ones set the stage for an eventual big one, i.e. Saul trying to kill David, trying to kill his son Jonathan, seeking a witch for guidance, etc. I’ve gotta sandbag this thing quick and build back up what I let go yesterday. I cannot live like this. “Relax” is not and should not be a word used in regards to our obedience to the Spirit’s guidance in our lives. “Those who are led by the Spirit are sons of God”.
I want to be a trusted son in the old Hebraic sense of the word.
So I’m putting my failure out here in front of you all and seeking the body of Christ’s help through your prayers. The more who know and can pray, the better off I am.
Love you guys,
mark jr.
10 responses so far ↓
mbaker // June 8, 2007 at 1:34 pm |
Mark,
I think what you got was an inavaluable gift. The deep down realization that comes from the Holy Soirit when we know we have gone against the will of God is something every believer goes through.
That’s the hard part. But as my old nanny used to say, “There’s always a blessing in the lesson.” The blessing is that God goes deep down in our character and uses things like you experienced to call attention to the areas we need to change. It’s a hard thing, and it shakes our whole being when we come face to face with these ugly things about ourselves, but without the conviction of the Holy Spirit we would never know we needed “to examine ourselves to see if we’re in the faith.”
We all struggle in this area, that is if our conscience hasn’t been seared. Paul spoke of his ongoing personal battles, even though he was a long time apostle of God. As you remember in Romans he spoke of it at length in Romans 7:15-25., calling himself a wretched man.I can sure identify, because there have been so many times I’ve asked myself, “How COULD you, as a woman do such a thing, or think such a thing?”
So you have confessed your sin, as God asks us, and now comes the repentance part which is, of course, a lot harder. We will join you in prayer that God show the underlying reason, so you will be aware of why you rebelled against authority.
Just remember, dear brother, that right after Paul gave his long discourse above, the very next thing he said was “There is therefore no now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
Confess and repent, as you are doing, but do not condemn yourself. That serves to distract us from the real issue.
Didn’t mean to preach, just wanted to tell you I’m proud of you for such an honest confession, and I’m sure God is too. That shows that the good in your character goes far deeper than the the flaws.
God bless you for being courageous and humble enough to share that part of yourself as well.
discernment // June 8, 2007 at 4:03 pm |
Mark,
Be careful what you admit to on a blog as some companies can use employee blogs as cause to terminate if they want.
I think 3 houses per hour is too much! So do you have to speed to make it to the appointments on time? Does the company cause you to break the law to be profitable? The pizza delivery people were getting into accidents under pressure from their employers. I am not justifying what you feel God is calling you to account for but…
On the same note, I have had compromise in my life that God dealt with me for – I will leave specifics off as again powers that be can use the internet to cream you, even if you are trying to edify others. But I will say speeding is a constant law I want to break.
I have a rebellious edge that I do fight but do I think authority figures, whether government, parents, employers also should be accountable for the heavy loads they stick on those they exercise the authority over: it seems many times the rules are for the comfort and convenience of those that write them. I guess it doesn’t help that I am a libertarian.
Colossians 3:21 (NASB) Fathers, do not exasperate your children, that they may not lose heart.
JC Smith // June 8, 2007 at 4:40 pm |
Not to be argumentative or anything but it does not just say “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” There is no period at the end there. It says “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.”
The qualifier for that is what you are walking in. Is there condemnation for those that walk in the flesh and not in the spirit? Absolutely. Because the carnal mind is death. And if you live after the flesh, you shall die.
Struggles like this are your “footmen” that God sends into your life, bro. If we are unfaithful in the small thing, we will cut the same corners in the big things. You know all of this and you have a calling on your life that disqualifies you from being normal.
I have to do stupid things all of the time. I have to apologize to people who have tried to destroy me when the wrong I did was minor compared to what they did to me. I have to return shopping carts to the stupid corral in the parking lot rather than just leave them by the car and I have to pick up other people’s trash by wastebaskets. Welcome to the “crucified flesh club” bud.
Take solace Mark that it is not your will to be this way. That tells you a lot. Because if you find yourself doing the things that you do not want to do, you can be sure that it is “no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me”.
The solution is to just grit your teeth, drink your cup and obey. There is a blessing on the other side, I promise.
Eddie // June 8, 2007 at 6:22 pm |
mark,
In a few words…Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, wrote a song about it!
I won’t tell you to relax but will use Pauls’ words.
“Press on!”
You’re in my prayers for sure.
Eddie
iseeitdifferently // June 9, 2007 at 12:32 am |
If you guys don’t have at least one friend in your life like JC (aka A.P., but we’ll start calling him JC now) then you need one. He knows how to kick your butt and pick you up in one felled swoop.
Thank you folks for all your comments on this one, and especially your prayers. I heard a rooster crow yesterday; at least that’s how it feels in the gut. But I’m taking Margaret’s advice and not getting distracted by too much guilt. And the sting of this thing has me more alert now and I know God’s grace is going to help me walk in the Spirit and not fulfill the wants of the flesh.
I’m sure glad He’s real.
His mercy is so awesome in times like this.
Thank you Jesus…
But I ain’t about to go ’round po’ mouthin. It’s done, I hit the mat, I got up for a standing 8, my gloves are up and I’m going back in.
mark jr.
Mary // June 13, 2007 at 11:34 pm |
MarK Jr.
didn’t know where to put this,
Thanks for the more charitable article on calvinism by David Kirkwood. I havent read it yet-just glanced but it does seem much easier to digest.
I’m sure Jim B. would agree with me.
Thanks
Mary // June 13, 2007 at 11:37 pm |
Got to get that link off….ok it’s gone.
Tom Wellings // June 28, 2007 at 11:48 pm |
A righteous man is one who falls in a area, and gets back up from the fall and keeps walking a righteous life, and learns from it, who feels pain in his sin and hates it with all his strength.
I am truly inspired that you get an unbearable conviction in the small things.
Jim B. // July 12, 2007 at 6:39 pm |
Mary,
I also recently linked to Mr. Kirkwood’s anti-Reformed booklet. I would agree that Kirkwood is more charitable (and intelligent) than many critics of Reformed theology. (Though, he does say, “…people have given up hope of salvation because of Calvinistic teaching, thinking that they are not among the elect since they have felt no irresistible grace? Dear Calvinist, the blood of such people is on your hands.” I’m not sure how charitable statements like these are.)
Honestly, I will likely never read through all of this, because (1) it is rather long and (2) I became too frustrated to finish before getting halfway through the first section. Kirkwood, like most critics, seems to have a difficult time engaging with ACTUAL REFORMED ARGUMENTS/POSITIONS.
Example: Kirkwood maintains that Irresistible Grace is God “forcing” belief and repentance. Even with Piper quotes in front of him, Kirkwood seems to lack the intellectual honesty (or, perhaps, charity) to deal with Irresistible Grace as it is actually taught and understood. This is a straw man argument typical of Calvin-haters.
Irresistible Grace means that God must remove a sinner’s “heart of stone” that does not seek God or righteousness, and replace it with a “heart of flesh”. (Ezekiel 11:19, 36:26) This is the definition of regeneration. God does not act against the sinner’s will, but changes his will. To “force” belief/repentance would mean to act against an existing will.
If I persuade you to believe that pickles taste delicious with peanut butter, and you are persuaded – where before the notion of these two together made you dry heave – then I have not “forced” anything. Your will has been changed. God does the same in regeneration. Unfortunately, there is nothing in you or me that desires righteousness. There is nothing that seeks God. Therefore, God does not merely persuade us, but gives us a new heart. He opens our eyes to see things we were unable to see. Hear things we were unable to hear. Accept and embrace a Gospel that we previously viewed as foolishness.
This is pretty elementary stuff. If Mark and Kirkwood want to hate Calvinism, fine. But please have the integrity to engage with actual positions.
mary2 // July 12, 2007 at 9:31 pm |
Jim B.
But what came first the chicken or the egg. I understand having a heart of stone replaced with a heart of flesh as you say. But I still think one’s initial responsibility of what one does with Christ rests on the individual.
please. PEACE. brothers PEACE. I do not want this to start up again.
Again, we could argue this till the very end of the world. What is the point? I did not contemplate all of this when I became a Christian. I just believed on Him and repented of my selfish ways. The simplicity of the Gospel.
Please peace Jim.